


Hush Little Baby

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Canon, Minor Character Death, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-08-03
Updated: 2005-08-03
Packaged: 2018-12-29 02:26:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12072660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: A friend dies and everyone reacts differently.my first fic. please comment. i think all the html kinks are gone.





	Hush Little Baby

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

Brian stood stock still letting the rain paint patterns on his olive skin. Lightning tore at the sky and set his pained face aglow. The razor held lightly in his tense fingers glinted with each bolt.

_“Michael! interviews aren’t that bad! you make them sound like hell on earth.”_  
“THEY ARE! Brian I hate people.” The short brunette shot a smile over his shoulder stepping easily into the street.  
“Didn’t your mother ever teach you to watch for cars?”  
“No!” Michael smiled turning to face his british companion, walking backwards rebelliously.  
“MICHAEL!” but Brian's hoarse cry was too late, the car too fast, Michael too slow. 

Brian let his shoulders relax a bit, he slipped the razor into his pocket.  
“are you okay?” Justin said stepping forward to stand next to brian.  
“sure.” came the reply shattering the peace in the room.  
“come here.” But Brian didn't move. Didn't breathe. Just watched the rain as Justin placed a hand on his back. “Love?”  
“He’s...” Brian shuddered and exhaled sharply.   
“Hannah’s here.”   
“Oh.” The sound of her name cut like cold ice when it should have comforted. What would he tell her?   
“Please come with me.” Justin pleaded pitifully.  
“ok.” Brian followed like a well trained puppy leaving his friend behind in a room full of living machines.  
“Han.” he breathed out at the sight of her small body. She was standing lost in the middle of the waiting room her hand clasped within her brother’s. “You came.”  
“Yeah.” Neither one moved but stared the other down, the entire room watching in silence. Brian wasn’t sure what he expected. Accusations? Love? Anything but this, the acute awareness of pain behind her green eyes. “Can I... see him?”  
“Yeah.” Justin let his hand drop as Brian turned back towards Michael's room. “This way.” Brian added as an afterthought.

_“Little Han, you always know the way.” Michael laughed pulling her against him. “Huh Bri? she always knows the way.”_  
“Yeah.”  
“Of course i do, i’m a genius.” Hannah giggled infectiously and pulled Brian against her other side. They stepped as one into the restaurant. 

“Brian.” Hannah breathed her voice breaking. “oh god.” she whispered a single tear tracing the curve of her cheek.  
“zhold his hand. zthe doctors said it was ok.” Brian stood stiffly, awkwardly apart from the girl he loved so dearly, his own hands itched to hold her, to comfort her.  
“I can’t.” She slumped, shaking into the chair by the window, lighting illuminating her tiny frame.  
“Oh.” the two best friends sat in quiet as machines breathed for Michael. “Han?” Brian broke the thick silence tentatively.  
“Yeah?”  
“I can’t. . . live. . .survive I can’t.”  
“What?”  
“Without him.”  
“He’ll be ok.”  
“He’s dying.”  
“He’ll be ok.”  
“Han.”  
“He’ll be fine.” she turned defiantly away from Brian. “He’s strong. He’ll be ok.” Her words echoed softly, they were thin and meaningless. 

_“BRIAN!” Michael jumped the last three steps and came tearing across the lawn, from the pool side Hannah was pulling viciously away from her brother struggling to get closer. “Oh my god. Bri.” Michael dropped to his knees grabbing Brian’s hand between his own._  
“Bri? Brian?” Hannah finally free dropped next to Brian’s other side.   
“Call an ambulance!!” someone screamed. Brian lay not moving. “He fell. His back.” The crowd grew steadily.  
“He’s strong Michael.” Hannah whispered, a hint of a question wavering in her thin voice.  
“Yeah.”  
“He’ll be ok.” 

“Brian?” Justin stepped up quietly behind his lover, his fingers tracing a small scar on Brian’s back.   
“Jus?”  
“Yeah?”  
“take care of Han huh? and Gus too.”  
“Brian?”  
“Yeah?”  
“You’re ok. Michael's hurt but you’re ok. That's not you.” he gestured at the still form in front of them.  
“I’m not ok.”  
“Brian?”  
“He’s not going to make it.”  
“No.”  
“It will never be ok again.”  
“Brian?”  
“Yeah?”  
“I love you.”  
“Never ok again.”  
“Yeah.” Justin slipped an arm around Brian. “Yeah.” He sighed defeated. It will be a chain reaction he thinks to himself. Michael dies, Brian commits suicide, Brian dies, I commit suicide, Hannah alone. “Brian?”  
“Yeah?”  
“I can’t live without you.”  
“Oh. yeah?”  
“So don't.. don't make me.”  
“Oh. sorry.” Brian’s mind is made up.   
“Maybe it will be alright.”  
“Without Michael..”  
“Maybe.”  
“Maybe not.”  
“That too.” The alarm surprises no one, the nurses rush past followed by doctors in white masks.   
“He’s gone.” They announce but no one’s listening, everyone already knows. Hannah is limp in her brother’s arms. Brian turns on his heel and walks quietly from the room one hand in his pocket.   
“Brian?”  
“Let me go.” So Justin does. The chain reaction begins, fast and furious. Justin's heart is already grieving. 

Later that night Brian stares hard into the mirror. His fingers clutch a razor and his jaw is set. He does not move, not yet. He watches his own eyes. Daring the mirror to cry. ‘Michael is dead. your best friend. The one person who loved you always, unconditionally. Michael is dead.’ he thought hard and angrily, but the words had no affect. This was not real.

_“Bri?”_  
“yeah Han?”  
“What would it be like, you know?”  
“What do you mean Han?”  
“If he didn't survive? You know, the bomb? Where would be without Michael?”  
“We’d drift i think.”  
“Would we be okay?”  
“Truth?”  
“Yeah.”  
“I think you know we wouldn’t survive long.”  
“yeah, but he’s okay.”  
“mm. But still, kind of scary leaving your entire life in the hands of another mortal.” Brain sighs sinking deeper into the leather couch, his hand lazily drawing on hannah’s arm.   
“Brian?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Tou don’t think. I mean, we were friends before him. Bri, you and I we lived a good 14 years without, without Michael. so couldn’t we do it again?”  
“There’s the before and after love.”  
“But can’t they be the same.”  
“No i don't think so.”  
“Wouldn’t you just try?”  
“No.”  
“But Justin. I mean. dammit, you’re giving up.”  
“Babe, he’s okay.”  
“but, Brian, you can’t be this ready to die. Why wouldn’t you try to live without him? What about me? and Justin? We love Michael too, but Brian we also love you. Why would you make us lose both of you at once?”  
“Dammit!” Brian stood abruptly glaring at the girl below him. “Don’t you get it Hannah? You and Michael are all I fucking have. Don’t you see that? The both of you anchor me, and dammit Hannah it would be the same thing if you died. The same fucking thing. you think Michael's the only thing keeping me alive. It’s you too! I need you. iI can’t, words aren’t enough Han. Dammit, i need you.”  
“Brian.” she barely dared to breathe the fury was burning so brightly in his eyes.  
“Don’t. Hannah when it was just you and me, we did shit. You remember that don’t you? We’d pull fucking stupid stunts, and we nearly got killed more than once. I broke my fucking back Han. Doing what? showing off. Michael saved us. US Han. Not you, not me, we’ve always been a pair.”  
“But if he dies, and you fucking jump off a goddamn cliff where does that leave me? What do i do then Bri?” Hannah was standing now too.   
“You do whatever Han.’  
“You’d abandon me. Admit it, you ‘d abandon me. You, the one person in my life who never left, the ONE fucking person who was always there. Always, goddamit! when my parents stopped raising their children, when my sister couldn’t take care of me anymore, when my brother moved away? When everyone was changing and I was left in the dust you took care of me. You made sure I always had a bed and food. My entire life. and now, because you can’t handle grief. Goddamit! “  
“Hannah.” His heart was breaking.  
“What?”  
“Han, Michael's okay.”  
“But what if he didn’t survive?”  
“We don’t have to think about that.” 

‘You’re abandoning her.’ his conscience attacked him from the hidden darkness in his heart. “Michael. is. dead.” he said the words clearly to the still air. the razor trembled once as it cut deep into his warm flesh. his blood leaked easily from his veins. “I’m sorry han.” he stared a moment longer at his reflection and then sat quietly on the floor his back resting on the cold tiled wall. 

Hannah didn't cry, couldn’t really. Michael was dead. Did she understand? her brother wanted to know. yes, she thought she probably got it. Her sister was on her way. That’s what didn't make sense. why would her sister come here? “Why?”  
“Because.” Her brother sighed, he didn't know. Hannah stood up and smoothed out her shirt. ‘Okay i can do this. first i have to find Brian’   
“Where’s Brian?” Her voice was eerily calm. The alarms from Michael's room had stopped shrieking.  
“I let him go.” Justin whispered broken from a shaded corner of the hospital.  
“Oh?” Hannah stares at him confused. “where?’”   
“the bathroom.”  
“i’ll get him then.” Hannah said quietly. she walked stiffly. ‘Michael is gone.’ but she couldn’t make her mind react. ‘dead. not coming back.’ nothing. so she stopped pressing. she was strangely sedated. “Brian?” she said softly tapping on the door to the bathroom lightly. no answer. she pushed the door open. “oh Bri.” she sat next to him pulling his limp body against her warm one. “Bri?” she could feel his breath shallow against her throat.  
“m sorreh an.” ‘i’m sorry Han’ his mouth lazily shaped the words he so desperately wanted her to hear.  
“shh. it’s okay. it’s okay.” his blood dripped steadily onto her jeans. david stood at the door for just a moment before rushing to find a doctor, nurse anyone. “it’s okay.”  
“no.” Brian breathed a sob edging into his voice.  
“but it will be.” she let the first tears fall then. “hush little baby, don’t you cry you look much better when your eyes are dry.” a soft sob shook her body. “hush, hush little baby don’t you weep, you look much nicer when you’re fast asleep.” she began to drag her fingers through Brian hair. “hush,hush.” but the words wouldn’t come, but that was okay too, Brian buried his face in her neck his own sobs shaking his body. 

_“Brian. Bri! haha.” Michael was a happy drunk, but was almost never drunk unless he was unhappy. orlando sat the german down. he pushed his hands against the his friend’s forehead testing for a fever. he seemed normal enough._  
“lay down. no, Michael please lay down.” he batted the Michael's exploring hands away. “lay down Mikey.” so Michael did. he curled up in a corner of his bed. “ let me get you some water, aspirin too.” not five minutes later Brian returned, Michael was sobbing heavily into his pillow. “oh Michael, hon. Michael come here. rough day love?”  
“it’s just -hic- i -hic- i miss ben.” just saying his boyfriends name hurt, he let out another cry. “and this director. god.” he whispered losing words to his sobs.  
“shh, ben will call tomorrow, i’m sure he will. and this, this is work Michael, not life. please don't let it hurt you.” Brian pulled his brunette friend into his arms kissing his forehead lightly. “hush little baby, don’t you cry, you look much nicer when your eyes are dry.” he began to sing softly, stroking Michael's back slowly. ‘hush little baby, don’t you weep, you look much nicer when you’re fast asleep.” he continued, rocking and singing until Michael's body relaxed and even after. Brian sang quietly as he watched Michael's even breathing. 

Hours later Hannah sat curled in a hospital chair the ugly floral print mocking her haughtily, she held Brian’s hand her thumb stroking its soft surface thoughtfully. “hush little baby.” Her voice was hoarse from hours of singing, but she hadn’t stopped, “don’t you weep.” At the door Justin watched his lover’s chest rise and fall, clear proof that he was in fact, alive.   
“you love him?” Hannah’s brother nodded toward the sleeping form.  
“As much as you love her.”  
“Yeah. would you like to get something to eat? He’s stable now, but she won’t sleep if we’re still here.”  
“Well.”  
“We won’t go far.”  
“Ok. It’s been quite a night.”  
“The worst they’ll ever suffer through.”  
“Yeah.” And it was, it was the worst they would ever suffer through. But they got through. And the next morning Brian would open his eyes, and he would be living without Michael. Sometime in the middle of the night a dream had attacked Hannah and she had clutched at Brian, because he was there, he was still there. On his hand is a small crescent cut from her fingernail, it will end up being a scar that will serve to remind him of Michael and of Hannah and of that night for the rest of his life. 

Next year on Michael's birthday Brian will go to a tattoo parlor and across the scar from his razor he will have the words “hush little baby’ imprinted.

In a few years Brian and Hannah will gather the courage to visit Michael's grave. they will pack a picnic and have lunch with their old friend. They will laugh for the first time. 

Ten years down the road Brian will forget to call Hannah on her birthday and a few months later she will forget to call him. They never forget the childhood they shared, or the friend they lost but they never speak again. At a dinner a friend asks Brian about Hannah and for a moment he can’t remember her face. But eventually it comes to him, and he smiles, he will never know love like that again.

Brian and Justin don’t last, their love was fierce and passionate, but a fire burns out sometimes and it was a rainy year. Justin always smiles when he thinks of his lover and sometimes at night he still reaches over to pull him close, and sometimes he can almost imagine that the bed is warm.

Life is not perfect, but it’s okay. Because Brian has a crescent scar and a tattoo to remind him of Hannah, and sometimes if it’s late at night and he can’t sleep, he traces the words “hush little baby” and he remembers Michael. and he let’s himself cry. and slowly the words drift to his throat and he sings himself to sleep.

“Hush little baby don't say a word,   
Papas gonna buy you a mocking bird   
If that mocking bird don't sing,   
Papas gonna buy you a diamond ring,   
If that diamond ring is brass,   
Papas gonna buy you a looking glass. 

Hush little baby, don't you cry,   
you look much nicer when your eyes are dry,   
Hush little baby don't you weep,   
you look much nicer when you're fast asleep. 

If that looking glass gets broke,   
Papas gonna buy you a billy goat,   
If that billy goat wont pull,   
Papas gonna buy you a cart and bull,   
If that cart and bull turn over,   
Papas gonna buy you a dog named Rover. 

Hush little baby, don't you cry,   
you look much nicer when your eyes are dry,   
Hush little baby don't you weep,   
you look much nicer when you're fast asleep. 

If that dog named Rover wont bark,   
Papas gonna buy you a horse and cart,   
If that horse and cart fall down,   
you'll still be the sweetest little baby in town.

So hush little baby.”


End file.
